I received an email forward today about office humor that brought to mind another old blog post I had written 2 years ago when I was toiling away in the insurance biz. I seriously am not making any part of it up.

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It?s official. I work for another psycho boss. What is it about the insurance game that breeds such freaks of nature?

Today in our morning meeting, The Huddle, our esteemed leader, (we?ll call him Goat Boy since he?s a Capricorn) lectured the females of the office (which is the entire office, he?s the only dick in the place) on the proper way to pee. You see, our office has two bathrooms: one that the unwashed masses that are our customers use and one that his holiness uses. By his benevolence our derrieres are allowed access to this holy of holies?The Bathroom Next to the Kitchen.

But apparently there is a problem with the way we (and I am directly quoting Goat Boy) ?urinate.?
In our ?urinating,? either our hovering technique is off the mark or some of us lift the seat to make liquid transactions. (Why and how they lift the seat is beyond me.) Regardless of how we position our vaginas on while on the throne, wet spots are being left behind. And not the fun kind of wet spots either.

If we do dribble while we piddle, we are to clean the seat thoroughly. Goat Boy made it sound like a Hazmat suit was needed and perhaps sanding off a layer of toilet seat.

While this was not explicitly stated, it was subtly inferred that those of us on the bottom of the corporate step stool might lose The Bathroom Next to the Kitchen privileges altogether. No word on whether or not we would be forced to use the 7-11 for all future transactions.

I have yet to see these wet spots in question. Now, I have my own theory on the moisture matter. The paper towels to dry hands are on top of the tank. Could it be that droplets of water from freshly washed hands fling off and land on the seat???? Oooh, the humanity! THINK OF THE CHLORINE TOUCHING HIS SAINTED ASS!!!

He told us to respect The Bathroom Next to the Kitchen as if it were our own. Does that mean I can leave my thongs on the floor and my bra on the doorknob? Or bring in my economy size box of tampons and leave them on the shelf?

Seriously though, we sat through a 10-minute conversation of our MALE boss instructing the FEMALE employees how to properly URINATE!!!!! Methinks this counts as a violation of something.

Goat Boy, I get that you?re a clean freak and all, but at any point did it ever occur to you that such a conversation might be ever so slightly inappropriate?!?!? (Not to mention that last time I was that uncomfortable was the Jr./Sr. Banquet in college when I wore two full body girdles to fit into my dress. I almost passed out, but my boobs looked incredible! Don?t get me started on my cleavage that night?thing of beauty I tell you, but I digress)

And if cleanliness and good hygiene are such a priority with you, why the fuck haven?t you gotten an exterminator to come in and spray for those little ants that are all over that office and, oh yeah, the ROACHES that consult us for all their insurance needs? It?s not like we haven?t mentioned this to you. Twice.

So to all my friends out there, I make this passionate plea?help me get out of this insane asylum!!! I?m being serious; if anyone knows anyone who can help me out with my job situation, hook me up. There?s no telling what we?ll discuss next at work. Proper tampon insertion?

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Shockingly, a little less than a month later I quit the job. Proper tampon insertion was never covered but perhaps my replacement got that lecture.