Never in my life, when I graduated from my Bachelor's, did I ever imagine that at the age of 27 I'd still be sitting in front of a desk typing research papers I have no idea about... never imagined I'd still be in school... I'm over it. So over this whole studying thing. I thought it would be fun getting back to school, getting away from the stress of working... and now I realise, it's so much better working. At least I get money while working, at least I don't have exams and papers to stress out about. Even when work was stressful, there was still this mental freedom.
Yesterday, I received a Facebook request to add someone as a friend. It turned out to be one of my exs. You know what's the funny thing, when I saw her photos, the first thing that came to my mind was, how much we'd all changed and aged. I know it's a huge exaggeration, after all the last time I saw her in real life was about I think 3 years ago? or was it 2? I can't remember. I brought A along for the meeting... big mistake, it was like two dogs having a faceoff over territory.
Anyway, so I haven't seen this ex (let's call her Q) for a long long time. And when I think about the time I was with her, I was just 18 years old... and she was, well, I can never be sure of her age (it's another long story). Finally, here we are 9 years later. I'd never thought about it, but I now realise, 9 years is a long time. OF course it isn't as exaggerated as her having white hair or me growing more wrinkles (but yes, I do have fine wrinkles under my eyes now). But it's just her demeanor in those photographs. She doesn't look as hyperactive or glowing... just tired-looking. I guess you could say the same for me too.
When I was 18, I was still a plump kid. When Q knew me, I was excited about everything, I thought everything was possible. We were in a long-distance relationship (makes me chuckle ironically at the situation I'm in now), and the plan was just for her to visit me when she was back for her holidays. We never planned anything after her first holiday. We never even thought of how we would continue the relationship. The perils of the internet! You meet, you chat, you fall in love with her words, and in real life, everything is a flop.
Q was fresh and suave. I used to complain about her glib tongue, and how she could argue black into white, every wrong into right. That also pissed me off because some things, they just aren't right no matter how logically you carry out your arguement. There are moral issues involved. But I was too young to argue back, too stupid. But the best thing I ever did was breaking up with her randomly in the middle of her mahjong session somewhere in L.A. Playing mahjong in L.A! that was the last straw because she'd gone missing for two weeks with no phone calls or anything... and I repaid her in kind by breaking up with her in the void deck of a government flat using an orange public payphone outside school. Haha. Perhaps my little voice was warning me that this was one long-distance relationship that would never go anywhere... and for once I heeded it.
Today, I still think that everything is possible, but with a ton of disclaimers attached to the possibility. I still don't believe in long-distance relationships despite being in one now. I tell myself that it's different, because I've lived with A for 3 over years before moving here. We see each other at least twice a year when she comes over or when I go back during my school break. I keep telling myself that I will also be with her once I finish school, which is soon. So it's just a temporary long-distance relationship.
We met with so many hiccups. But I'm just praying and hoping for the best. I try to ignore my mental disclaimers. I feel that I've come so far with her, and it would be a pity if it ended because of one stupid thing or another.
Okay, I have sidetracked again. Aging. Years..Time passing... to be honest, sometimes when I have nothing to do, I think of the girls I used to know. Wonder what they are up to, wonder what their lives are like now, think back to when we were dating, when everyone was still fresh and eager to make mistakes. I love all of them in a narcissistic way because they have contributed to parts of my life, and to who I am today. Even those that did me wrong... I love the time we spent together as a contribution to my mentality over the years. But in all seriousness, I don't want to meet them again, because I've already moved on.
Original source: http://ngeowkia.wordpress.com/?p=187
