Life is so amazing at 40. I went to speak to a therapist yesterday, and it's amazing how much people really need a form of validation. I was nervous and humbled at the same time. What was it reallygoing to be like to sit across a stranger and vent. All the stereotypical images ran through my mind. Would I be on a couch? Would she look at me and scribble or nod and agree with me even if she knew my thoughts were totally irrational? Or, would she co-sign my behavior and pacify me for the fifty minute "chat" and then send me to pick up a prescription for anti psychotic medication?
None of the above happened. Granted it was my first visit, but she did point out things I knew, and offered suggestions on how to stop trying to be who or what I wasn't and love the person I am. I mentioned many of the "if onlys" and "coulda, woulda, shoulda's" that go through my head on a daily basis. I know the past is done and I have to play the hand I'm dealt. I also know the issues in my family are complex and I can't fix anyone or anything. But, the joy of having someone who was bound to sit there and drink there glass of "shut it it's my turn" felt great. I unloaded about some of the bull that keeps me up at night, didn't have a breakdown, and no medications. She didn't ask me to attend any 12 step groups, purchase a book or coerce me into attending a series of group therapy sessions. I left and that was it. What I did leave with was a flier for a free breast exam. That was good as, though my birthday month coincides with breast cancer awareness, I have yet to get a mammogram.
This brings me to the next pivotal moment. Due to my mother's deteriorating health status, dad and I had our first real father/daughter chat. I felt the need to know what to expect. If it was going to take very long, I wanted to be sure I made the proper accomodations for flexing my work hours. I also needed the history of cancer from my mother's side which, since both my parents had no father, was not going to be of much help. It was uneasy as it confirmed my mum and I were past the point of sharing mother/daughter conversations, or her ability to give guidance or have a conversation about female things. It didn't make me cry. I guess her mortality is becoming more real each time I see or speak to my parents. I haven't had a "real" conversation with her in years. Pretty soon, she probably will cease to speak.
Today at work it seemed like God did what they do in the movies. What are the odds of meeting a single man, who believes in God, is not just looking to pull and is nice that has a similar background as mine? No, I wasn't looking for a date, nor do I see him in that manner. It was more like that confirmation that, if I were looking to date, there are still some really good guys out there. I know there are, but how often do I interact with them in conversation? Rarely. I believe that society and technology are advancing so fast that most interaction is not face to face anymore. We text, we e-mail, we fax, we nod, we call, but we don't sit face to face and talk to strangers. I know I don't. I get up, play with the dog, work out, get dressed, go to work, commute home while reading, get home, take the dog out, eat, shower, read, play with the dog, get ready for bed, rinse and repeat.
I believe men are either jaded about women or we don't give them enough credit. I know I have come across women who having given men a right reason for them being a bit apprehensive to start a real relationship. I also know plenty of women who have been burned by men, so when do we wave our flags and agree that regardless of the "what for?" we are both seeking the same thing. It's one thing to enjoy our alone time, but loneliness is a different beast. With so many single people in the world, why are we so lonely? I had a go at on line dating and I loathed it to bits. I can't tell you the horror stories. I'm done with that avenue, and really don't wish to relive any of it. My other issue with that is, "Why is there such a demand for on line dating?" Everyone is thatbusy? We can't greet one another without a sexual harassment suit? Are we so sensitive that we can't give a compliment and a business card with an offer to chat over a drink? Heck, in the time I've been online, I could have taken a walk, and made a purchase at a local drugstore. The point you ask? Sitting at home or the office behind a computer does not make it easy to meet people. There are plenty of people who are interested in connecting with others. What about <a href="http://www.meetin.org"/a> ?There is one in every city almost.
Well, I'm far to caffienated at the moment. As always, there is more to come.
Stay fab and enjoy your forties!
xoxo
Original source: http://turning40feeling20.wordpress.com/?p=29
