Gazing at the Moon

I’ve known for some time that my life is at a crossroads and there are a number of very important decision I need to make regarding my career and what direction I’d like my life to take as I draw nearer to my 50’s.  They’re questions I hadn’t anticipated the need to answer  and quite honestly I would simply rather not. I don’t like things that are forced on me, it makes me cranky and I behave like a stubborn child trying to pull away as life tugs me by the arm in the exact opposite direction. I’m not sure I’ll ever out grow the inclination to resist.

Typically I bounce back from whatever life hands me quickly, but not this time. I feel like I’ve been knocked down over and over again…except on this occassion I decided that I wasn’t getting back up.  I just stayed down rolled over and decided to gaze up at the moon. I’ve been somewhat concerned over the length of time I’ve been able to remain still, gazing skyward but somewhere inside of me I know that it isn’t a mere lazy want, it’s a need.

Last weekend I decided it was time to pull myself up but not for the reasons you might imagine; on the short term if I don’t find more gainful employment I’ll have to take my chances on getting my hair cut at one of the inexpensive salons, go back to plucking my eyebrows instead of having them waxed and Alexa needs new clothes. Looking even further ahead I have Alexa’s spring graduation to consider and Nick transferring to Augsburg College in the fall. Then there is the most frightening scenario, I have a 1 and 3 chance of suffering a complete collapse of my left lung and at present I have no insurance policy.  This fact has lead to fleeting thoughts of what would happen…would they just let me die?  My right lung cost over 60 thousand dollars and that was 10 years ago, my left lung has the very same condition…so, its time to get busy.

Between Saturday and today I’ve sent resumes that will soon arrive in offices across the country, some are director positions, some are news correspondent jobs and I’m working on a grant proposal. In the meantime I’m using my experience as a book dealer to keep things running. I briefly considered a temp job but sold 3 books last week for over $500.00 and I am negotiating the sale of yet another that should bring about $600.00 unless there’s a shift in the market.

I worry about moving away from my mother and my step-father now that they are getting older. I worry about being far away from my boys…who are now men. I know that I have to do whatever it takes and I’m finally getting on with that, but I don’t like it. Nonetheless, we play the cards we’re dealt and as always I’ll put my best foot forward but I expect that in the weeks to come that there will be days that I decide to pause, forget about everything, lay back down and gaze at the moon.