S.O.S - Saving One's Self

Well…
This is not an abandoned blog.

I used to fancy myself a writer.   But I haven’t been moved to write much lately.  I am going to change that.

Starting now.

I am going to be completely honest with you.  My life is tragically of course.   There has been no big thing that has derailed tho.  Just a series of little things.   Wrong choices, bad decisions…   I am now just getting back to where I wanted to be 10 years ago.   I see that me, in 1990’s, already having made some bad choices, but the normal things people do in their early 20’s, nothing that was insurmountable.    I knew what the mistakes were.   I just couldn’t see the long term concesquences.

I, like most people, tend to think of myself as good person, with a reasonable moral center.  I always thought of myself as the hero in the story.   But my own myopic sense, did not see the  road ahead, where I was going.   I made safe choices,  took the easiest road.   My choices were influenced by fear, and selfishness.  I told myself I was sacrificing opportunities for a noble end.

I was just afraid.   Afraid of risk.  Real risk.  And without real risk, There is no real reward in life.

So, here I am.  closing in on 40,  alone, and adrift.

I have held on to the belief that, someone  would be the lighthouse, leading me to where I am suppose to be.

So I spent the last 10 years as a hopeless myopic romantic.

I can’t save anyone else, if I can’t save myself.