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School started back in full swing for my boys on Wednesday and I'm greeting the new year with a mixture of hope and sadness. Hope that they will make friends, make progress, learn and grow. Sadness that their summer, despite my best efforts, was full of anxiety for the new year. John, who is less impacted by his autism, took it the hardest. Every day, several times a day, he pleaded for a "home program" so that he wouldn't have to go to school. Several nights he worked himself into such a state of anxiety that he would cry for 20-30 minutes and then, exhausted, ask me over and over again, "How many days of summer are left?" I tried to help him by having him write down what he was feeling nervous about, but he had a hard time articulating it. I made a schedule for him but that didn't seem to help, either. And it goes without saying that Mom's hugs and reassurances just were not doing the trick. The good news is that after his first full day, he came home and announced solemnly, "Mom, I've decided to go to school full-time." Why the change of heart? Because he found out who his teacher is, who is in his class and where the classroom is. And then he got right back into the routine. Thank you, former principal and district, for putting him through hell because someone has secrecy issues. I'll say this again - EVERY IEP for my kids from now on will have a transition plan (which I will post here in case anyone else would like to use it) so that my family and I can be prepared and avoid at least some of the anxiety caused by change. Problem solved! :)
And just like the kids, I am mentally readjusting for the daily interactions I have with other parents, kids, and teachers, which can be overwhelming. I used to think of myself as a social person and my southern up-bringing gives me an excuse to talk . . . a lot! But sometimes I get weary of the effort to appear "normal" to the outside world when my heart thinks the stress will kill me. I figure at least during the summer I don't have to worry that one of the boys will have his feelings hurt by a classmates' rejection or scream out "Son of a BIATCH! (pronounced bee-yotch ;)" to get a reaction from the teacher or shake nervously because he doesn't understand a concept and is afraid to ask for help. There is a wholesale temptation, every day, for me to shrink our world so that the more painful interactions outside it can be avoided. Every day I fight it.
I am blessed and lucky to have a network of supportive friends who all face challenges of their own every day. My high school class recently celebrated our 20-year reunion and I've talked with many friends I had lost touch with over the years. There was a common thread among us - whether it's autism or ADD/ADHD or behavior or driving or boys! or girls!, we're all doing the best we can to raise our kids and do the right thing for them in a complicated and challenging world.
The reason I've written something so personal is that I hope those who currently feel isolated or on their own will realize that they are not.
Peace.
Original source: http://astallings.wordpress.com/?p=199
