kitty is rocking on her heels... wondering... what was it she'd done... why the painful mess she creates... something wrong with her perceptions? something off-kilter about her reactions? something wrong in her existence...
she reached out a lifetime to her beloved hero dada, but he stood silent, unmoved, even angry when in weak moments she allowed herself to show tears... she mustnt ever appear weak... but how to be strong? she had no idea...
she once wrote a little note to mum - do u love me, mum? she asked - but mum berated her for being silly... why was this silly? did not mummy love me? i guess she doesn't...
dada terrified her... sullen, silent, brooding, unpredictable mood swings... yet he fascinated her... sharing in his hobbies and interests became her life... it was only in these moments that she found some kind of cold approval, for her abilities rather than for her personality and feelings, but any approval was better than none, so she hid her heart and displayed her mind... and she adored her dada... even though he was so cruel, so heartless, so incomprehensible... she loved him to the very end...
mama was always at odds with her... never ever quite in tandem... until now... until dada is long gone... she has found peace with mama at last... no, not close lovingness, but good easy comfortable peace... and this is enough for her... for both...
a dichotomy of extroversion and introversion - she'd force herself to excel socially, the life of the party, the bright wit and the style princess... but deep inside, a disdainful dislike of crowds, she'd rather be alone with her thoughts and dreams...
yet, friends she has a handful and very very faithful loyal smart capable friends... what did she do to deserve their undying loyalty and love? she has no idea... why do they love and adore her so much... why do they say things like she is a good friend, loving, kind, wonderful, beautiful, talented, faithful, giving... good qualities? then why dada just didnt see them at all, even tho she tried so hard?
and the blue frog... he cannot even remember her... the her that he said he loved... he has forgotten all his words to her... now he only sees that she is annoying... irritating... upsetting... neurotic... stupid... beyond reasoning... yet he is better than dad... scolding and criticising is far better than cold hard silence... far far better... yet... it is tiring and painful... and she wonders why she always does so much wrong?...
if only she knew... she is not a child anymore, she is a woman, and women ought to know, don't they? .... but she is clueless... still... just as she was before... swimming in a sea of debris she cannot recognise...
rocking on her heels... wondering... wondering... wondering... what have i done to be so wrong?... how can i make things right again?... if ever...???
Original source: http://bunnyblu.wordpress.com/?p=853
