Well, the other shoe has dropped! My life experience has been that I cannot go through some emotional change and upheavel with it not coming out in my body. In dealing with the stress of transfering school in Junior High (in which nighmares, of nightmares I started my first period on the first day of my new school) I developed a cyst which needed to be removed surgically. In dealing with the stress of loosing a much charished job and ministry (by the powers to be simply choosing to eliminate my office and position with the stroke of a pen) I had an attack of appendicitis which resulted in emergency surgery. There have been other such experiences but these were the two most dramatic. I believe strongly that our mind and emotions are tied to our body and one affects the other. So, after dealing with my divorce I have been waiting. That is why it took me months to go to the doctor for my annual visit and only went because I wasn't getting over a cold. This morning my doctor's office called with the results of my blood work...
Amongst the other issues, continual struggle with high cholesterol and such I was told that I have a pre-diabetic condition. I must explain that I have been waiting for this because of family history. My father was diagnosed later in life with diabetes and my mother's sister was an insulin dependent diabetic. So, with the condition being on both sides of my family and I have been carrying way too much weight for 20 years now I new it was only a matter of time. I realize that at this point the condition can be controled with weight loss and diet but as one who uses food as one of their primary addictions, this is not good news.
Food is my one final comfort in a world that seems to expect so much of me but offer very little back in physical comfort. Last night I came home to my daughter in tears because of issues with a girlfriend of hers. What did she do? She literally crawled into my lap (yes, my 17 year old) and buried her face into my neck and sobbed. I am so greatful that I can be there for her because do you know how much I have NEEDED to do that over the past three to four years as I struggled with my marriage and eventual divorce -- have that physical comfort as I sob my sorrow out... nobody there to hold me, so I eat. Approximately 18 months ago I was taken to the hospital because of some major visual problems. I spent 4 days in the hospital as they ran every test to rule out a stroke, cancer, brain tumor, you name it. My now ex-husband sat dutifully by my bedside reading as I stared at the ceiling fearing for my life. Every effort to seek his consolation would result in his need to "run an errand". I was alone and afraid, so I ate.
My daughter is growing to be a strong woman. I tend to lessen my experiences as I relate them to others so they don't worry. She and I are not looking for a constant fix of physical attention. But I want what she has (and never had in my marriage) when I NEED a hug I want to get a hug -- no questions asked, no expectations, no agenda; just simply hold me and then when I am done let me go. There is no one to do that for me, except food... and now I will no longer have that freedom without dire consequences.
Stay tuned as I add this latest revelation into my life of struggles. I am sure that as God strips away yet another layer of dependence I will understand more of my life, others and the ways of the world. But in the mean time I am just going to feel sorry for myself (for a little while anyway) and do what I always do -- face the music alone. I remain, your servant in Christ
Theresa
Original source: http://timelytidbits.wordpress.com/?p=393
