I've been up to my usual little tricks. On Wednesday night the mother and I had a massive argument which involved her throwing a whole load of insults at me and me storming out of the house. I went to stay with my brother, who lives on the Kent/East Sussex border, but that didn't really help matters. At 8am on Thursday morning I was sitting in an A&E department that I had never been in before wanting the ground to swallow me up. I ended up having the female consultant suture my wounds up, which worried me because she was a consultant and they don't usually scrape so low as to suture, but I guess the wounds were bad and they are at the very top of my thigh, so the triage nurse obviously thought having a female medic look after me would be a good idea. The consultant was convinced I had overdosed as well, which I hadn't, I promised her that I would have told her if I had, which on the whole has been the case.
She then started asking me the where's, why's and how's behind the wounds and I had to admit my feelings. I had been planning on throwing myself under a Tube train on Wednesday afternoon, I'd been planning it for a while and had chosen my station and Tube line. I even got there and stood for a good 20 minutes until I realised that there were too many people around, so I left. I explained that there hadn't been anything in particular that had stopped me, I just hadn't done it. And then I had the argument with my Mum and ended up at Kit's and when I woke up on Thursday morning I felt angry with myself for not completing my plans and stupid for running away again, and so I cut.
The consultant referred me onto the Self-Harm Team and a very nice woman came to see me. She was accompanied by the ward manager of the local psych unit, which freaked me out at first but she explained that it was only because she was due to spend the day with her anyway. She did a psych assessment and for the first time in my life I was purely honest. I explained about my Dad and what he has done to my Mum, and Jenn and me, I told her about the eating, and the cutting, and the overdoses, I confided about hearing music and seeing the spiders and the suicidal thoughts. I explained everything. She went away to ring the CMHT in Kensington to see if they could see me sooner than Monday morning and came back to explain that if I was prepared to get on one of the next trains back up to London then Allison would see me that afternoon.
Seeing Allison didn't particularly help me. I guess I felt as if I was over-talked by the time I got to see her, plus the self-harm team woman hadn't had time to fax my notes through, but I explained what I could and tried to make her see how I feel. She told me I needed to formulate a life plan, which I told her was quite difficult when you're only 23 and even more difficult when you have cancer. She told me she would ring on Friday and that I was to keep the appointment on Monday morning.
Yesterday I went to the nurse to finally get the infected cuts looked at. I'm now on anti-biotics and the sutures are coming out slightly earlier than planned, on Monday, in case plastics need to look at it. The nurse seemed pretty convinced that because they have been infected from 24 hours after closure that they won't have healed and will need debriding and secondary closure. I also spoke to a CPN, not Allison but the one who sat in on the first appointment. She was really helpful and reiterated the Crisis Team's number and suggested some things I can do this weekend to try and keep me safe. I admitted that on Thursday night I sat with a pile of tablets in front of me, wanting to take them, so she suggested I moved the tablets, whereupon I admitted that I had thrown them out, alongside most of the razor blades I own (I kept one).
I still feel awful today and last night I was very close to ringing the Crisis Team, but I was scared to call them. Instead I watched Have I Got News For You, took a zopiclone and a couple of Nytol and went to bed. I woke up this morning with the beginnings of yet another cold and I feel depressed as hell. I have been writing this post since 10am, I just haven't had the energy or concentration to sit continuously and write.
I don't know what will happen over the next day or so. I feel guilty whining on when other people are in a much worse situation than me. I am worried about Seaneen, who's actions last night I can wholly understand but I hope she is OK. I don't know what the CPN appointment on Monday will bring, the other CPN was talking about trying to get me moved out of home, but we'd need to involve my Mum in that plan and currently, apart from the argument, she thinks things aren't too bad.
Ruth
Original source: http://fightingtheurge.wordpress.com/?p=239
