Continuing on the perfectionism theme ... I'm really worried that I won't be happy with the results of my surgery. I look at myself naked and try to manipulate the stomach flub to get an idea of what I will look like without it. But I can't imagine it. It will be so strange to have it gone. My surgeon showed me before and after pictures (and I've looked on the internet), but so many women have tummy tucks after pregnancy, and while I understand why they want to have their stomach changed, my situation is nothing at all like theirs.
I look at people all the time, especially in the gym, trying to identify what I might look like when the surgery is over. I don't really know what a normal woman's body looks like. I suppose that it doesn't help that in many cases, the women I'm comparing myself to are probably 10 or 15 years younger than I am. My therapist tells me that there probably is no "normal" and it would be better if I didn't try to compare myself to others, but that's difficult for me. I'm so afraid that even after surgery to lose weight, and more surgery to correct the after-effects of losing weight, I will still not be satisfied.
People say that losing weight won't solve your problems. That if you have self-image issues, you'll still have them after you lose weight. I used to think that, for me anyway, this was untrue. That the only thing that bothered me about myself was my weight. Now I realize that weight was just a symptom. I definitely feel better about myself having lost the weight, but somehow, that feeling of being not quite good enough has persisted.
On Facebook, there's an application called "Define Me", where your friends can tell you how they see you (anonymously). My "Define Me" box has wonderful things in it, like intelligent, creative, thoughtful, funny, strong and even magnificent. I can't help but wish that it also contained words like beautiful, sexy and hot. I've never been the hot girl. I might have to accept that I'll never be the hot girl, even after surgery. And that just makes me sad.
Original source: http://bandsters.wordpress.com/?p=56
