Standing in front of the mirror on a Saturday morning. Stark naked in my new apartment. I have never had a mirror I could fully observe myself before. Now I have access to a full length mirror in my bedroom, and this large "view me from all angles" mirror in the bathroom.
My eyes first observe my face. I am a normal looking human being. I mean, not a 10 by any standards, but I'm okay. Nothing strikingly wrong.
As I touch my stomach, my skin feels soft. It is easy to grab with my slender fingers. I stretch it across flat, just to see the way my belly button should lay. The stretch marks flatten against my abs. That's where my body should exist. I grab my sides where my skin has fallen so gracefully against my bones. Like a sheet, covering ME. Almost feels like I am tugging at a parasite that shouldn't exist.
I lift my flap of skin and my hip bones are prominent. Beautiful. A line that exists from many years of a creased stomach marks the spot a surgeon will cut away at me. My hands move from my stomach to around my back. I pinch and lift. An ass that I should have is apparent. So small, enough for a hand to grab. That's when I realize the second surgeon was right. I am going to need a lower body lift. All the way around. Cutting me in half yet again. A thought strikes me: I have lost half of my weight, half of myself, and now I am going to be cut literally in HALF to be made whole again.
Somehow I am calm studying myself. Normally I would get angry in disgust, but now I'm just trying to find an understanding of how I am going to be pieced together. Complete. Together :)
I let my body lay free, and raise my arms beside me. Wings. Somehow I have these large arm bat wings but they prevent me from flying. So many oxy-morons.
This month I will have saved 1K to my fund for my surgery. A small portion, but it's a start. I've been wandering around makemeheal.com more and more just to look at the before and after pictures. Am I going to just need the lower body lift, and a breast lift? Or am I going to need the one they cut up my stomach? Either way, I don't care. I don't know if people going into this are as afraid as I am. It's so far away, and I'm completely not ready to just DO it. Healing takes time. I need to heal before I can think about all that.
I feel swallowed in my skin.
Original source: http://lessthanhalf.wordpress.com/?p=54
