I need to get away. I need to get away from this town that is suffocating me from this state that is bleeding me from these people who drain. I need to get away from this God who paralyzes me from this family that loves me when I don't deserve it from this breakdown I call life. I can't move in any direction. Everything is the same, day after day. It's like living one hellish day over and over again. The faces change; the people don't. Twenty years, day after day after Godforsaken day. I'm on the edge of a precipice. I can't move I can't breathe I'm stuck in one spot, why oh why God can't anything change? Same situations I've been in for twenty years; the names and faces change, the people don't. Morality, dead. Dead, dead, dead. Anxiety anxiety anxiety. The search for the Forms in people only to be disappointed again and again and again. And I would stop it if I could, if I could stop looking for the Ideals than I would, but I can't, it's just part of my nature, I can't.
I can't express myself. I'm tired of having ideas swirl around in my head and being unable to write or say them. I just want to meet someone Good. I want to meet someone who validates my belief in a God. It's not fair, I know, I can't even meet that standard myself. It's utterly irrational and absurd to search. That's the nature of the world though. Utterly irrational and absurd and painful. Irrational. Absurd. Nothing makes fucking sense. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Fuck Logic. It does not rule over anything. It can be applied to anything to prove anything. Fuck Reason; it doesn't exist in man. I'm tired of the drugs, I'm tired of the drinking, I'm tired of seeing everyone I know flock to these substances like they're the nectar of the Gods. I'm tired of myself hypocritically seeking relief in substances only to find myself chasing a pipe dream. They always promise; they never deliver. I never learn. One more cigarette will not make me feel better. One more pill will not take me away from here. A few more hits will not numb me to the world around me. Most of all, a hit or a pill or a drag will not take me away from myself.
Original source: http://contemptorarycrap.wordpress.com/?p=83
