Yesterday, I was going through my regular war-on-acne routine, and I realized I’m pretty obsessive about it. (I wasn’t before, but am now, probably due to a certain someone whose name shall not be mentioned.) So… what is acne? Acne is a plague that adversely affects the social lives of 99.7% of teenagers worldwide. How, you ask? Well, imagine your face was covered with multiple volcanoes that have all started erupting. Simultaneously. Yeah, you do not want to be anywhere near that. I just ate dinner, so I won’t google up any images of acne. I’m sure that image of your face cratered in magma-spewing volcanoes will have done the trick anyway.
Well, in short, I’ve got a lovely bunch of acne-fighting chemical weapons. You could call them WMDs for acne. It turns out that I’m the equivalent of… a really bad guy with weapons of mass destruction of acne. Here they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your… well, actually, they’re all roughly the same size. Bummer.
I’m not sure why I put them in this order. It makes absolutely zero sense. Anyway, we’ll start going down the list in descending frequency of use.
#3 - Clearasil
And in this corner… #3 - Clearasil! daily face wash. Pretty standard stuff, really. Use twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. Actual retail price (read in Bob Barker’s voice): about $5
#1 - Olay Complete
Next, #1 - Olay Complete facial moisturizing lotion. (yes, you may call me a girly man as many times as you wish. I moisturize. Sue me. Just kidding, don’t sue me, especially when your face falls off.) It keeps your face happy, supple and smooth… so that your skin doesn’t produce so much oil so that it clogs up your pores. Yes, blackheads. Actual retail price: $8
BLACKHEADS?! on MY FACE?!
#5 - the astringent stuff.
Next in frequency of use… probably #5, the astringent stuff. This assumes that you pop your pimples like I do. I love popping pimples. It’s like… you’re cleansing yourself. In the face region. But don’t hurt yourself or create any scars. Basically, use as needed, soak a cotton swab with one and dab around a recently popped pimple. Heeeeee. Man, this sounds gross. I’m beginning to regret typing this post. But by Spartan law, we march. Actual retail price: ~$4.
#2 - Biore pore strips
Finally, we come to the last two, which are used more sparingly because of their extreme power. Don’t underestimate the power. Especially not #2 - Biore pore strips, or as my college roommate referred to them so affectionately, “nose things.” Use every 2 weeks or so. Instructions:
- Wet nose.
- Dry hands.
- Apply pore strip to nose.
- Wait 15 minutes.
- ???
- PROFIT!!
Unfortunately at the time of this writing I was completely out of pore strips (but had an empty box). I therefore dug up this reference/stock photo:
This illustrates the proper use of the “nose thing”. Remove after applying for 15 minutes, and PROFIT!! I assure you. Especially if you’ve never used one before. Disclaimer: it is GROSS. Just ask Denice. Actual retail price: $8 for 6 strips.
#4 - Facial mask
If you didn’t belittle what little masculinity I had left after talking about using a daily facial moisturizer, you may so harass me now. Use every month or so… applying a thin, even layer to the face, avoiding the eye area. I just did a mask yesterday… but due to my sheer dedication and devotion to my blog, I’ve dug up yet another reference photo:
Not my proudest moment, no. But it’s undoubtedly my face’s cleanest moment. Actual retail price: ~$10
Well, that just about does it for my acne-fighting regimen. If you do decide to adopt all or any part of my regimen, please leave a comment! Also leave one if you think I’m an idiot and my acne-fighting methodology needs a tweak or is just plain wrong. I’ll challenge you to an acne-fighting showdown. You do not want to know what that entails.
